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Noah's Ark

by Andrew

Thousands of years ago, people were cruel, especially to cattle. Why, if someone was hungry, they would just rip the leg off of a live cow and eat it for lunch. Finally, Bovinius, Titan Protector of Cows, appeared to a man whose name was Noah. Bovinius said to this kind man, "Moo moo mo mooo mooooo mmoo mooo mmmoo moo mmmooooo moomoo," which Noah successfully translated to mean, "Noah, I want you to build a ship, one large enough to hold two of every non-bovine creature and seven of every bovine, for in one month's time I will cause the sea to turn to milk and rise as the skies rain milk for forty days and forty nights."

And so Noah obeyed the command, loading the ship with all the things that Bovinius had instructed. Sure enough, in one month's time, the skies rained milk and the sea was turned to milk. This continued for forty days and forty nights. Finally, on the fortieth day, the rain stopped and the milk level dropped over the next twenty days until the ship became marooned on a rock. During that time, however, most of the milk went sour and curdled, which created a very bad smell.

When the milk had completely subsided, Noah decided to document the incident but, so no one would think he was crazy (and because of the horrid stench of all the sour milk), he gave God the credit for such an astounding deed. Bovinius was outraged. He made it so that Noah and many of his descendants would be unable to digest milk products. He described these people as lactose intolerant. In the aftermath, he used all of the curdled milk to make an assistant whom he named the Dairy Fairy. She aided the world with cheese. Bovinius loved this idea so much that he decided to create a planet for himself out of green cheese. He called this the moon, and his handiwork can still be seen to this day.

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