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Dear Officer Krupke

SNOWBOY: (imitating Krupke) Hey, you!

ACTION: Me, Officer Krupke?

SNOWBOY: Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason for not dragging ya down to the station house, ya punk.

ACTION: (singing)
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
You gotta understand--
It's just our bringin' up-ke
That gets us out of hand
Our mothers all are junkies
Our fathers all are drunks

ALL:
Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!
Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset
We never had the love that every child oughta get
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood
Deep down inside us there is good!

ACTION:
There is good!

ALL:
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

SNOWBOY: (as Krupke) That's a touchin' good story.

ACTION: Lemme tell it to the world!

SNOWBOY: Just tell it to the judge.

ACTION:
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough
With all their marijuana,
They won't give me a puff!
They didn't want to have me,
But somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards--that's why I'm so bad!

"JUDGE":
Right!
Officer Krupke, you're really a square
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed--
He's psychologickly disturbed!

ACTION:
I'm disturbed!

ALL:
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed
Like we're psychologickly disturbed!
"JUDGE": Hear ye, hear ye! In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

ACTION: Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

"JUDGE": So take him to a headshrinker.

ACTION:
My father is a bastard,
My ma's an S.O.B.
My grandpa's always plastered
My grandma pushes tea
My sister wears a mustache
My brother wears a dress
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!
"PSYCHIATRIST":
Yes!
Officer Krupke, you're really a slob
This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest job
Society's played him a terrible trick,
And sociologically he's sick!

ACTION:
I am sick!

ALL:
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick,
Like we're sociologically sick!

"PSYCHIATRIST": In my opinion, this child don't need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.

ACTION: Hey, I got a social disease!

"PSYCHIATRIST": So take him to a social worker!

ACTION:
Dear kindly social worker,
They say go earn a buck
Like be a soda jerker
Which means like be a schmuck
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-work
Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk!

BABY JOHN: (as female social worker)
Ugh!
Officer Krupke, you've done it again
This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen
It ain't just a question of misunderstood
Deep down inside him, he's no good!

ACTION:
I'm no good!

ALL:
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no earthly good
Like the best of us is no damn good!

"JUDGE":
The trouble is he's crazy

"PSYCHIATRIST":
The trouble is he drinks

"SOCIAL WORKER":
The trouble is he's lazy
"JUDGE":
The trouble is he stinks
"PSYCHIATRIST":
The trouble is he's growing

"SOCIAL WORKER":
The trouble is he's grown!

ALL:
Krupke, we've got troubles of our own!
Gee, Officer Krupke
We're down on our knees
'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease
Gee, Officer Krupke
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke--
Krup you!

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